ADHD and Adult Diagnosis: Why Smart, Successful Women Get Missed Until Midlife

The Hidden Struggles and Midlife Awakening of Gifted Women with ADHD

Many women with ADHD, particularly those who are highly capable or gifted, aren't identified because they ‘get by’—often looking more like overachievers with anxiety than kids bouncing off the walls.

Discovering ADHD in the Therapist's Chair

In a profoundly candid exchange, Diann Wingert and Lisa Lackey—both experienced therapists—delve into a unique but increasingly common story: that of high-achieving women, often in helping professions, who realize in adulthood that they have ADHD. The journey of ADHD and adult diagnosis is particularly complex for professionals who spent years helping others navigate similar struggles—distractibility, anxiety, a ping-ponging mind—without connecting the dots for themselves.

Lisa recounts the pivotal moment when, after recommending Dr. Ned Hallowell's book, “Driven to Distraction,” to yet another client, she realized she had never read an entire book cover to cover—a pattern she'd chalked up to personality quirks. Reading the book unlocked answers to a lifelong question mark. The diagnosis, obtained after a professional assessment, was nothing to be ashamed of. Rather, it was a profound relief and a complete shift in mindset and motivation.

Both women reflect on the peculiar blind spot many therapists can have when it comes to their own symptoms, especially if they've developed impressive "workarounds." As Diann notes, the very intelligence and adaptability that helped them compensate delayed the understanding of their neurodivergent identity, making ADHD and adult diagnosis both surprising and validating.

The Invisible Obstacle: High-Achieving Women and ADHD

A common theme emerges: the "gap." On the surface, Lisa and Diann were thriving—multiple degrees, successful practices, and meaningful work. Yet beneath the achievements was a persistent sense of struggling harder than their peers, of seeing what they could do in their minds but not always manifesting it externally. Report cards from childhood prophesied their adult experiences: "If only she would pay attention..."

Many women with ADHD, particularly those who are highly capable or gifted, aren't identified because they "get by"—often looking more like overachievers with anxiety than kids bouncing off the walls. The internalization of struggle can become a point of pride, fueling perfectionism but also profound exhaustion. What's most misunderstood, both women notes, is that when the ADHD brain is interested, it can laser focus, but when it's not, it simply won't cooperate. This realization represents a major ADHD transition in understanding one's own patterns and behaviors.

Menopause, Midlife, and the Second Knowing

For both Diann and Lisa, their ADHD realization converged with another major life transition: menopause and its tumultuous forerunner, perimenopause. Lisa's decade-long journey through perimenopause brought a forced reckoning—her mind and body "not firing on all cylinders." It compelled a release of old standards: letting go of perfectionism, boundaries based on shoulds, and roles dictated by someone else's idea of success. This ADHD transition period required a complete overhaul of mindset and motivation.

Diann sees this period as a "midlife awakening." The hormonal shift often intensifies ADHD symptoms, pushing many women toward ADHD and adult diagnosis in their 40s and 50s. But the awakening is not only physical; it's existential. Many women begin to scrutinize the lives they meticulously constructed—careers, relationships, identities—based on external expectations or inherited scripts, rather than authentic desire.

Lisa eloquently describes this as the "second knowing": finally turning inward, asking, "Who am I, really? What have I forgotten about myself that I need to reclaim?" The process isn't just for the self—it becomes legacy work, especially for Black women carrying generations of emotional labor. This ADHD transition becomes an opportunity for profound transformation in mindset and motivation.

Creating Community and Redefining Success

Out of this convergence comes purposeful action. Lisa is now focused on creating spaces—retreats, groups, community events—where women can explore, heal, and redefine themselves beyond their roles or diagnoses. Her message is radical in its gentleness: true success is not in having it all, but in living in alignment with your values and calling. This often means letting go—of performative practices, outdated obligations, and even relationships that have run their course.

Diann and Lisa agree: the most profound progress happens when women reclaim their identities, connect with one another, and honor the "second knowing." As Lisa says, "You're not unraveling or falling apart, you're actually coming together." The revolution, they propose, begins with the return to self—and only accelerates as more women join the journey. This shift represents the ultimate ADHD transition—from surviving to thriving.

Conclusion: A Call to Midlife Awakening

For women navigating the uncharted waters of midlife with ADHD, Lisa and Diann offer not just commiseration but a roadmap for transformation. ADHD and adult diagnosis is not simply a medical event, but a lens for understanding one's gifts and struggles—and midlife is not a crisis but an invitation. The ADHD transition that follows diagnosis can fundamentally reshape your mindset and motivation, opening doors to authenticity that may have been closed for decades. If you find yourself stirred by their stories, wondering about your own "second knowing," consider this your call to reclaim, reconnect, and rise—together.

Feel free to DM me on LinkedIn or send me an email at diann@diannwingertcoaching.com. I'd love to hear your thoughts! If you'd like to hear the full episode on the ADHD-ish Podcast, you can do that here.