ADHD Isn’t Just Distractibility, The Truth About Emotional Dysregulation

Understanding the hidden emotional side of ADHD in women

While impulsivity and hyperactivity are often discussed, the emotional rollercoaster—the quickness to tears, anger, frustration, or excitement—is just as significant, particularly in ADHD in women.

ADHD is often described in terms of distraction, impulsivity, and hyperactivity, but these descriptions just scratch the surface—especially when it comes to ADHD in women. Beyond fidgeting and forgetfulness lie deeper, less visible struggles with ADHD, emotional dysregulation, misdiagnosis, and the constant sense of being misunderstood. However, these challenges also give rise to remarkable curiosity, resilience, and innovation. Let's unpack the emotional truths and underappreciated strengths of women living with ADHD.

Rewriting the ADHD Narrative: More Than Fidgeting and Forgetfulness

ADHD is traditionally seen through a narrow lens, often shaped by how it presents in young boys—restlessness, blurting out answers, trouble sitting still. In a recent conversation with psychologist and author Gilly Kahn, PhD, she points out that the official diagnostic criteria in the DSM are based heavily on children's behavior, particularly boys, which leaves countless girls overlooked and frequently leads healthcare providers to misdiagnose ADHD until adulthood. 

Yet for women, ADHD in women often manifests as a torrent of internal experiences: chronic distraction, emotional overwhelm, and a persistent feeling of not quite fitting in. Girls are subtly conditioned from an early age to mask or suppress their symptoms, striving to be "appropriate" rather than authentic. This can lead them to develop coping mechanisms that are mistaken for anxiety, depression, or even personality disorders later in life—a pattern that contributes to the tendency to misdiagnose ADHD and only compounds their sense of not belonging.

Emotional Dysregulation: The Hidden Half of ADHD

One of the most validating moments in my conversation with Gilly was the focus on ADHD emotional dysregulation. While impulsivity and hyperactivity are often discussed, the emotional rollercoaster—the quickness to tears, anger, frustration, or excitement—is just as significant, particularly in ADHD in women. Dr. Kahn likens emotional impulsivity to behavioral impulsivity, explaining that both stem from the same neurological roots.

Adults may appear to have "outgrown" hyperactivity, but often they've simply learned to restrain their urges. The restlessness, though, is internal—an empty conference room moment wishing to roll on the floor with the dog, as Gilly humorously relates. ADHD emotional dysregulation remains a lifelong challenge, complicating relationships and contributing to that infamous ADHD "scar tissue" of being misunderstood or labeled as "too much."

The Strengths Behind the Struggles

Despite these difficulties, ADHD in women also brings gifts that both Gilly and I champion: youthful exuberance, insatiable curiosity, and creative, out-of-box thinking. Many adults with ADHD—especially women—retain childlike playfulness and a capacity for wonder that sets them apart from their neurotypical peers. This vibrant approach to life underpins a common trait: a wide and shifting range of interests, which may seem scattered but often converge into innovative thinking and entrepreneurship.

As Gilly notes, the very traits that challenge ADHDers—diverse interests, spontaneity, intense emotions—are the same ones that fuel creativity and persistence in business or creative pursuits.

Rejection Sensitivity: The Pain No One Sees

Perhaps one of the most resonant topics discussed is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)—a phenomenon where even mild criticism can trigger disproportionate emotional pain. For women with ADHD, repeated misunderstandings, micro-rejections, or perceived failures build up as invisible wounds. This heightened sensitivity often gets mislabeled as defiance (especially in teens) or "not being able to take criticism" in adults, further contributing to the tendency to misdiagnose ADHD as mood or personality disorders.

Gilly stresses the importance of recognizing this sensitivity, both for individuals and those around them. Having a vocabulary for RSD allows parents, partners, and employers to respond with empathy instead of judgment, fostering validation instead of shame. Understanding ADHD emotional dysregulation in this context becomes crucial for proper support.

Harnessing ADHD Superpowers: Different Brains, Better Outcomes

While both Gilly and I are cautious not to simplify ADHD as a "superpower," we highlight the reality that divergent thinking is a real asset—especially in entrepreneurship and creative industries. Diverse teams are more innovative, and outliers—like those with ADHD in women—bring the fresh perspectives necessary to spark transformation.

The journey includes facing repeated rejection, but as discussed, habituation helps. It's about building resilience through exposure and support, surrounding yourself with people who value what you bring, and learning to self-soothe through setbacks.

Conclusion

Women with ADHD navigate a world not built for their brains, often enduring situations where healthcare providers misdiagnose ADHD, struggling with ADHD emotional dysregulation, and facing criticism for being "too much" or "not enough." Yet, as this conversation with Gilly Kahn and me reveals, these same challenges often forecast remarkable creativity, empathy, and drive. By bringing the full spectrum of ADHD in women realities into the open—including its emotional side—we move closer to a world where neurodiversity is understood not just as difference, but as a much-needed strength.

If you'd like to hear the full episode on the ADHD-ish Podcast, you can do that here.