ADHD & The Lifetime Legacy of Bullying: Healing the Pain
From Surviving to Thriving: The Healing Power of Awareness and Community
Finding community and supportive spaces—whether through coaching, ADHD groups, or online forums—can be transformative. Separating fact from the "stories" we've internalized about ourselves paves the way for radical self-acceptance and genuine healing.
The Unseen Epidemic: ADHD and Bullying That Doesn't End in Childhood
For many of us, the phrase "schoolyard bullying" conjures images of childhood taunts and playground cruelty. But for those with ADHD, as I explored with fellow ADHD coach, Brooke Schnittman, bullying is not just a childhood hazard—it's a lifelong shadow that morphs, persists, and infiltrates our sense of self well into adulthood. Understanding ADHD strengths and struggles requires acknowledging how ADHD and bullying intersect to shape our entire lives.
While some studies acknowledge that bullying lessens as people age in the general population, Brooke brought to light a glaring gap: almost no research examined how ADHD and bullying interact in adulthood. To bridge this, she surveyed adults with ADHD, uncovering the stark reality that, unlike their neurotypical peers, the majority face continued victimization throughout their lives.
More Than Childhood Trauma: Bullying That Grows Up With Us
Bullying isn't just about name-calling or playground tactics. For those with ADHD, it can take both overt and covert forms. Childhood experiences—being called out by teachers, excluded by peers, or publicly punished for innocuous mistakes—leave deep, invisible wounds.
As Brooke Schnittman candidly shared, her journey of being bullied started at age eight and continued into her mid-thirties. The problem, she explained, is that the world is quick to label children with ADHD as "problematic"—which only serves to justify continued exclusion and mistreatment by peers and adults alike.
In adulthood, bullying turns subtler but is no less damaging: micromanagement at work, chronic exclusion from group activities, and persistent, targeted criticism. These actions, though less publicly visible, are marked by the same three core elements: repetition, a power imbalance, and lasting harm.
The Internalization Trap: Anxiety, Depression, and Shrinking to Survive
One of the cruelest impacts of chronic bullying is the way it reshapes our internal world. As Brooke and I discussed, many people with ADHD internalize the constant criticism and "corrective" feedback, coming to believe that the problem resides within. Years of being othered, misunderstood, or called out can lead to anxiety, depression, and even dissociation—a survival mechanism designed to temporarily shield us from pain. This contributes significantly to ADHD and rejection sensitivity.
This internalization often gives way to a "shrinking" response in childhood: keeping quiet, avoiding attention, and abandoning attempts to participate. In adulthood, it can transform into the opposite—overworking, overachieving, and relentless people-pleasing. These maladaptive strategies, while at first protective, become habits that are hard to shake even after a late-in-life ADHD diagnosis and increased self-awareness. Understanding ADHD strengths and struggles means recognizing both the resilience we've built and the costs we've paid.
Bullying in the Workplace: Why So Many ADHDers Go Solo
A surprising (or maybe not so surprising) finding from Brooke’s survey was that the most frequent place adults with ADHD reported being bullied was the workplace—far outpacing online spaces or even personal relationships.
Whether it's exclusion from critical meetings, micromanagement, or being subtly undermined by colleagues, the modern workplace remains a hostile environment for many neurodivergent adults. It's little wonder that so many—potentially more than 50%, according to anecdotal reports—turn to entrepreneurship and self-employment, compelled less by a desire for independence and more by a need for psychological safety.
From Surviving to Thriving: The Healing Power of Awareness and Community
So how do we break this cycle? It starts with naming and understanding what's happening. Brooke and I agree that healing requires us to recognize the systemic roots of our struggles: This isn't an individual weakness or flaw, but a reflection of widespread misunderstanding and poor accommodation for neurodiversity. Addressing ADHD and rejection sensitivity begins with understanding its origins in chronic invalidation.
Finding community and supportive spaces—whether through coaching, ADHD groups, or online forums—can be transformative. Separating fact from the "stories" we've internalized about ourselves paves the way for radical self-acceptance and genuine healing.
As one survey participant movingly said, "We were never too much. We were exactly who we were meant to be. Just waiting for a world that could understand us."
Final Thoughts: Permission to Find Where You Belong
If there's a single, liberating takeaway from this conversation, it's this: You were never the problem. If the environment you're in continues to harm you, you have the right—and the strength—to step away. Building your life around your ADHD strengths and struggles, seeking out those who see and value you, and knowing when to leave unsupportive spaces is not failure; it's an act of self-love.
Because healing, as I so wisely point out, starts with self-acceptance—and sometimes, simply giving ourselves permission to be different and to do things differently.
If you'd like to hear the full episode on the ADHD-ish Podcast, you can do that here.
