The Surprising Link Between ADHD Rejection Sensitivity, Burnout and Genuine Confidence

Why ADHD Rejection Sensitivity Isn’t a Flaw—and What Adlerian Psychology Can Teach Us About Confidence

If we can’t just unconditionally accept ourselves… it will be fucking scary to become more aware of who we really are.

Lessons from Adlerian Psychology and "The Courage to Be Disliked" for Beating ADHD Burnout and Gaining Confidence 

Introduction

On episode #268 of the ADHD-ish podcast, host Diann Wingert and guest Dave Greenwood dove into the transformative ideas found in The Courage to Be Disliked—a modern classic based on the teachings of Alfred Adler. This compelling book isn't directly about ADHD, but its insights into self-worth, interpersonal challenges, ADHD rejection sensitivity, and the myth of fixed identity make it a surprising treasure trove for anyone whose brain doesn't fit the "neurotypical" mold.

Here's an expanded look at the big ideas from their conversation, including practical applications for those of us who struggle with people-pleasing, emotional dysregulation, and the feeling of being misunderstood—especially when dealing with ADHD rejection sensitivity at work.

Radical Self-Acceptance: The First Step

One of the core messages Diann and Dave highlighted is that sustainable change starts with deep, non-negotiable self-acceptance. For those with ADHD, who often carry the scars of chronic misunderstanding or blame, this can feel like an impossible leap. The duo discussed how our ability to increase self-awareness—truly understanding our own patterns and pitfalls—depends on first making the radical decision to accept ourselves for who we are right now, flaws and all.

As Diann put it, "If we can't just unconditionally accept ourselves…we won't have the courage to develop more self-awareness. It will be fucking scary to become more aware of who we really are if we don't choose to accept ourselves first." Instead of treating self-acceptance as a reward for perfect performance, they encourage listeners to make it the foundation—especially crucial when managing ADHD rejection sensitivity at work.

The Separation of Tasks: Freedom from People-Pleasing

A major recurring theme in the book (and the podcast) is Adler's concept of the "separation of tasks." In plain English, this means recognizing what's truly your responsibility and what isn't. For anyone with ADHD, especially those prone to ADHD rejection sensitivity or compulsive people-pleasing, this can be a game-changer.

Example: You agree to meet a friend for coffee but arrive late, not out of disrespect but because of time blindness. Your responsibility is to do your best to honor your commitment—not to control or fix your friend's feelings about your lateness. As Dave summarized: "Your task is not to be responsible for or manage the emotions of others."

This idea challenges deeply-engrained cultural messaging ("Don't do that, you'll hurt her feelings!") and encourages adults with ADHD to take agency over what they can influence, while letting go of the rest. This approach is particularly valuable for managing ADHD rejection sensitivity at work, where professional relationships can feel like emotional minefields.

Inferiority, Superiority, and the Myth of the Fixed Self

Adlerian psychology suggests that everyone occasionally feels inferior, but it's how we respond to these feelings that shapes our growth. While some freeze and give up, others use perceived inferiority as motivation for self-improvement. Diann connected this with the popular growth versus fixed mindset framework: "Our job is to accept ourselves, accept others, and contribute… not to be approved of by others."

For folks with ADHD, it's easy to internalize "I am broken, this is just who I am." But both hosts agreed that clinging to this fixed identity narrative can stall personal progress and undermine the purpose of seeking help in the first place—often leading to ADHD burnout when we exhaust ourselves trying to be someone we're not.

All Problems Are Interpersonal Problems

One of the more provocative Adlerian claims explored was that "all problems are interpersonal." Both hosts pointed out how, for ADHDers, much daily stress is tied to relationships—whether it's with bosses, partners, clients, or even our digital tools. Avoidance, burnout, frequent job changes, and even self-isolation are often attempts to preempt real (or imagined) rejection or judgment.

This insight is particularly relevant when addressing ADHD rejection sensitivity at work, where professional dynamics can trigger intense emotional responses. The chronic stress of navigating workplace relationships with heightened sensitivity can contribute to ADHD burnout, making it crucial to understand these interpersonal patterns.

Permission to Change: Moving Beyond Excuses

Dave shared personal stories that challenge the idea of an unchangeable self, illustrating how we often limit ourselves with unexamined beliefs. Sometimes, as both hosts acknowledged, ADHDers seek magic-wand solutions, wishing for results without the discomfort of growth. Adler's philosophy—and personal experience—shows that meaningful change is possible, but only through active participation and the willingness to confront old narratives.

This willingness to change is essential for breaking cycles of ADHD rejection sensitivity that can lead to workplace avoidance and eventual ADHD burnout.

The Power of Living in the Present

Finally, Diann and Dave emphasized the importance (and difficulty) of living in the present moment. Meditation, mindfulness, and rejection of the "victim" narrative are vital tools for both happiness and effectiveness. As Diann reflected, "If you can make the decision to accept yourself unconditionally…It sounds deceptively simple…but it's probably the hardest work any of us could ever attempt to do, ADHD or not."

Conclusion

The Courage to Be Disliked offers hard-won wisdom for anyone ready to break free from people-pleasing, fixed mindsets, and the tyranny of others' opinions. While the book doesn't speak directly to ADHD, its lessons—brought to life in this insightful discussion—are invaluable for any neurodivergent person looking for more peace, self-compassion, and authentic connection. If you're ready to experiment with living more courageously, maybe it's time to pick up the book—or simply start accepting yourself, just as you are.

Feel free to DM me on LinkedIn or send me an email at diann@diannwingertcoaching.com. I'd love to hear your thoughts! If you'd like to hear the full episode on the ADHD-ish Podcast, you can do that here.